Prepare to groan:

– What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?   A nervous wreak.

 

– Where do you get virgin wool from?   Ugly sheep. 

– What gun doesn’t kill things?  A vegun

– What do you get when you cross a sheep and a porcupine?  An animal that can sew its own sweaters. 

– Why do bagpipers walk when they play?  They are trying to get away from the noise!

– What the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?  People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.

– How do you get holy water?  Boil the hell out of it.

– What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?  Polaroids.

– What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?  I’ll never part with it.

– Doctor what’s wrong with me, I feel like a wigwam and a t-pee?  You’re too tense.

– What do they call a man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?  A seasoned veteran.

– What game to cannibals play?  Swallow the leader.

– Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?  He’s all right now.

– What do you get from a pampered cow?  Spoiled milk.

– What do you call someone with no body and a nose?  Nobody knows.

– Have you heard about the middle eastern Elvis impersonator?  Amal Shuckup.

–  Do you know why you should avoid hanging out with sopranos?   Because they are always in treble.

–  Why does a milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the utter.

–  Why couldn’t Noah and his family play cards while they were on the arc?   Because Noah was standing on the deck.

 

Things you won’t hear in heaven:

No

I’m sorry

Don’t do that

Remember the good ol’ days

I hate ____

Can I have a tissue for my tears

I’m tired

I’m sick

I’m bored

Nobody understands me

I’m not happy

You suck

I wish I wasn’t here

The devil made me do it

Get lost

What’s on TV

I’m broke

Hurry up or we’ll be late

Did you hear the rumor about so and so?

What we have here is a failure to communicate

You’re bothering me

What are your political views?

Diet and Exercise are the keys to a healthy life

I don’t like singing and praising the Lord

I don’t care

Whatever

Leave me alone

This is too hard, I give up

Shut up

Watch out

I’m sacred

It’s my way or the highway

I wish I could sin

I’m all alone

I need to find myself

I’m hot or I’m cold

I have nothing to wear

You’re under arrest

You don’t deserve that, I should have it

Things you will hear in heaven:

Hallelujah!  Worthy is the lamb that was slain for our sin!

Thank you Jesus!

Awesome!

Wow, it is even better than I imagined it would be

Of course, now I understand

Yes, I want to serve, thank you Jesus for asking me

Yes, I want to help too

No sweat

You first

Good job

Wow, and I thought sex was great

Pass the rolls

Want to play a round of golf,  Elijah?

The right to “bear arms” means we have the option to wear sleeveless apparel

Meet my pet dinosaur, Dino

Children’s letters to God:  Matthew 18:3 “and He said, “Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.”

Dear God,
I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet

Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma

Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I asked for was a puppy.
Joyce

Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
Larry

Dear God,
My turtle died. We buried her in our yard. Is she there with your now? If so, she really likes lettuce.
Roger

Dear God,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail.
Ha ha.
Danny

Dear God,
I bet it’s very hard for you to love everybody in the whole world.
There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
Nancy

Questions to Children about Mom:

–  “Why Did God Make Mothers?”  She’s the only one who knows where stuff is.

–  “How Did God Make Mothers?”   God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

–  “What Kind Of Little Girl Was Your Mom?”   I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 

– “What Did Mom Need To Know About Dad Before She Married  Him?”   His last name.

 –“What’s The Difference Between Moms And Dads?”  Moms work all the time and Dads just goes to work.

— “If You Could Change One Thing About Your Mom What  Would It Be?”  I’d make her smarter. Then she would know it was my brother who did it and not me.

---

     Quotes:    

I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me. –  Jesus Christ, John 14:6

Come just as you are in order to leave just as He is!  –  Pastor Clay Olsen

The Christian is not a good man.  He is a vile wretch who has been saved by the grace of God.  – Dr. Martyn Lloyd Jones

There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, “Thy will be done,” and those to whom God says, in the end, “Thy will be done.” All that are in Hell, choose it. Without that self-choice there could be no Hell. No soul that seriously and constantly desires joy will ever miss it. Those who seek find. Those who knock it is opened.  – C.S. Lewis

People can’t change the truth, but the truth can change people.  –  Author Unknown

Salvation is by birth (in Jesus) not behavior (by men)  –  Pastor Clay Olsen

Circumstances don’t change the truth.  What was true yesterday is true today and will be true tomorrow.  –  Don Gregory

The further a society drifts from the Truth, the more it will hate those who speak it.  George Orwell 

The truth will set you free but it will piss you off first.  – Dave Christian

To anger a conservative, lie to him. To anger a liberal, tell him the truth  – Teddy Roosevelt ?

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.  – Apostle Paul,  Philippians 1:21

I’ve always found, give me a pack of cigarettes and a couple of beers and I do better with that than I do with torture.  – Mad Dog Mattis, Secretary of Defense

Death does not end life but reveals where you will live next.   –   Pastor Clay Olsen

Beware of no man more than of yourself.  We carry our worst enemy within us.  – Charles Spurgeon

The wise old owl lived in a oak,
The more he saw the less he spoke,
The less he spoke the more he heard,
Why aren’t we all like that old bird? – Old English NurseryRhyme 

Coincidence is God’s way of being anonymous.  – Laura Pedersen

There aren’t good people and bad people. There is a good God and a world full of people who need Him badly.  –  Paul Jenkins

True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less. –  C. S. Lewis

Christ is either Lord of all, or He is not Lord at all.   –  Hudson Taylor

A man rejects God neither because of intellectual demands nor because of the scarcity of evidence. A man rejects God because of a moral resistance that refuses to admit his need for God.   – Ravi Zacharias    

Most people are willing to believe in a God that they make in “their own image”, who will fulfill “their desires” and do what “they think” is best for them and for others.  However, only through repentance and faith can a person believe in the One true living God who desires to change the person into the image of God’s Son, Jesus Christ, a person free from sin, able to do what “God desires” and “is” the best! – Rogersings

The most important thing about a person is what comes to your mind when you think about God.  –  A.W. Tozer. 

God is not only the great provider but He is also the great compensatory.  – Pastor Clay Olsen

Three tests for truth must be applied to any worldview: logical consistency, empirical adequacy, and experiential relevance.  When submitted to these tests, the Christian message is utterly unique and meets the demand for truth. – Ravi Zacharias

I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else. –  C.S. Lewis 

“The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people’s money.”  ― Margaret Thatcher

A people that elect corrupt politicians, imposters, thieves and traitors are not victims… but accomplices.  –  George Orwell

Faith is not about everything turning out okay, faith is about being okay no matter how things turn out.  -Author Unknown

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. – Apostle Paul, 2 Corinthians 12:9

Truth without love is brutality, and love without truth is hypocrisy – Warren Wiersbe

As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people.  On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. – H.L. Mencken

The same sun which melts wax hardens clay. And the same Gospel which melts some persons to repentance hardens others in their sins – Charles Spurgeon

The further a society drifts from truth the more it will hate those who speak it. –  George Orwell

Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand. – Mark Twain

The Seven Social Sins

 

1. Wealth without work
2. Pleasure without conscience
3. Knowledge without character
4. Commerce without morality
5. Science without humanity
6. Worship without sacrifice
7. Politics without principle

 

 – Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi 

A person who rejects Christ may choose to say that I do not accept it,  he may not choose to say there is not enough evidence. – Simon Greenleaf

Knowledge is knowing what to say. Wisdom is knowing whether or not to say it.    – Author Unknown

It is difficult to free fools from the chains they revere.  –  Voltaire

Secularization – no public agreement of a God given moral standard – no shame
Pluralization – no public acknowledgement of a God given absolute truth – no reason
Privatization – no public application of a God held personal belief – no meaning

– rephrased from the book “Deliver Us From Evil” – Ravi Zacharias

God is primarily concerned about establishing a sense of peace and assurance within us, rather than around us. – Rogersings

If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people things they do not want to hear. – George Orwell 

He who feeds his faith will starve his doubts to death.  – Author Unknown

If Satan can’t suppress you from believing the simple truth of accepting the free gift of Salvation in Christ Jesus, he will push you to believe some other means of Salvation such as works or predestination.  –  Pastor Clay

The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult; and left untried. – G. K. Chesterton

Everybody is entitled to their own opinion, especially if they keep it to themselves.  – Larry Hartell

The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance.  – Apostle Peter 2 Peter 3:9

Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm.  –  Abraham Lincoln

We are in charge of “following” the One (Jesus Christ) who is in charge of everything.  –  Rogersings

You may never know that JESUS is all you need, until JESUS is all you have.  – Corrie Ten Boon

In quietness and confidence shall be your strength.   – Isaiah 30:15

If you look to others you will be distracted; if you look to yourselves you will be discouraged; but if you look to Christ you’ll be delighted.  –   Warren Wiersbe

Silence in the face of evil is itself evil: God will not hold us guiltless. Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act.  –  Dietrich Bonhoeffer 

F-E-A-R:  Forget Everything and Run or Face Everything and Rise – choose to face everything in the light of Jesus Christ

The Bible without the Holy Spirit is a sundial by moonlight.  – D. L. Moody

LGBTQ – Liberty, Guns, Bible, Truth and BBQ – seek to unify people in the truth of Jesus Christ

Excuses are the cradle … that Satan rocks men off to sleep in. – D.L. Moody

Everything happens for a reason.  Sometimes that reason is because you are stupid and make bad decisions. –  Everyone

Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known god. –  Corrie Ten Boom

The future ain’t what it used to be.  – Yogi Berra

Where words fail, music speaks.  – Hans Christian Andersen

We work toward completeness in out maturity for Christ out of our contentment in our completeness in Christ.  – Pastor Clay Olsen

Never blame anyone in your Life. Good people give you Happiness. Bad people give you Experience. Worst people give you a Lesson & Best people give you memories.   – Author Unknown

“You win over people just like you win over a dog. You see a dog passing down the street with an old bone in his mouth. You don’t grab the bone from him and tell him it’s not good for him. He’ll growl at you. It’s the only thing he has. But you throw a big fat lamb chop in front of him, and he’s going to drop that bone and pick up the lamb chop, his tail wagging to beat the band. And you’ve got a friend. Instead of going around grabbing bones from people… I’m going to throw them some lamb chops. Something with real meat and life in it. I’m going to tell them about New Beginnings.”
― David Wilkerson, The Cross and the Switchblade

It’s God’s job to change people into His image, it’s my job to allow God to change me.  –  Rogersings

Unforgiveness is a poison you make and drink hoping someone else will die.  – Linda White

If you mess up, fess up. – Pastor Clay Olsen

Deal with the messes, dwell on what blesses. – Pastor Clay Olsen

I know I have a first-rate mind, but that`s no source of pride to me. Intelligent people are a dime a dozen. But I am proud of having character. – D. L. Moody

I find it easy to be slow to anger since it usually takes me a while to figure out when I’ve been insulted.  – Buzzy

Everybody’s entitled to an opinion, especially if they keep it to themselves.  – Larry

God is not willing to do everything, and thus take away our free will and that share of glory which belongs to us. – Niccolo Machiavelli

I don’t have enough faith to be an Atheist..  – Norman Geisler

Love makes time pass away and time makes love pass away.  – French Proverb

It may be better to live under robber barons than omnipotent moral busybodies.  – C.S. Lewis

Life is hard, it’s even harder if you’re stupid.  – John Wayne

I hope I shall possess firmness and virtue enough to maintain what I consider the most enviable of all titles, the character of an honest man.  –  George Washington

Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the Government take care of him had better take a closer look at the American Indian.    – Henry Ford

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.  –  Groucho Marx

Beautiful music is the art of the prophets that can calm the agitations of the soul; it is one of the most magnificent and delightful presents God has given us.  –  Martin Luther

Not in hate or fear but to Christ draw near. Lord, may I be found where Your love abounds.  –  Rogersings

Wrinkles are hereditary. Parents get them from their children.  –  Doris Day

Some people think God does not like to be troubled with our constant coming and asking. The way to trouble God is not to come at all.  –  D. L. Moody

A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would be either a liar, lunatic, legend or Lord.  –  C.S. Lewis (the Quadlemma – restated and updated)

Many men owe the grandeur of their lives to their tremendous difficulties.  – Charles Spurgeon 

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.    –  Mark Twain

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.  – Yogi Berra

He who has seen Me has seen the Father.  –  Jesus, John 14:9

Love’s a decision that’s founded on faith,

In God fearing promises time can’t erase

But sin’s a decision of self made in haste

Apart from the goodness that’s comes from God’s grace.

– Rogersings

It is fatal to enter any war without the will to win it.  –  Douglas MacArthur

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart.  – Helen Keller

Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence.   –  Vince Lombardi

It doesn’t matter what you’ve done

How far you’ve strayed or how long you’ve run

Jesus died to forgive your sin

Turn around and come to Him   –  Rogersings

Start by doing what’s necessary; then do what’s possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.  – Francis of Assisi

To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible.  – Thomas Aquinas

God intends to mature us until we regain the trust, wonder and joy of a child and obtain the wisdom, love and peace of Christ.  – Rogersings

Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation.  – D. Elton Trueblood

To educate a man in mind and not in morals is to educate a menace to society.   – Teddy Roosevelt 

If it’s true that men are such beasts, this must account for the fact that most women are animal lovers.   – Doris Day

A man can no more diminish God’s glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, ‘darkness’ on the walls of his cell. – C.S. Lewis